disintegrate

rate

We have already been taking LMS (life management skills) for thirteen consecutive weeks. We were taught on time and priority management, self awareness and self esteem, managing anger and of course, managing fear. Throughout this whole period of time, I realized there are so many times that I had lost control of my emotions. I think the most times would most probably be anger. Like just recently, during group work, I flared up at a member who didn't put in effort for the project at all. This was what happened.

Day before the presentation...
Member: Wheyy... Why didn't you send me the power point?
Me: I sent the group via email already. If you didn't receive, why didn’t you ask me for it? Tomorrow is the presentation already you know?
Member: How would I know whether you finish it already not?
Me: *flares up*Why can't you ask me? I mean... Don't you feel guilty that you didn't do anything? And now you are like blaming me for not telling you that I finished it already when you didn't even make the effort to ask...

To most people, this conversation may actually mean nothing. It just shows how petty and easily irritable I am. What he says isn't wrong at all maybe? It even shocked my other group mates when I just flared up suddenly. However, I don’t know why. It just gets on my nerves somehow how some people can just treat it as a very natural thing his or her group mates have to finish up everything for him or her. This is just a typical example of how I would flare up.

Well… so after being angry for quite a number of times and trying the various methods that were taught during lessons. I believe that the most efficient way of controlling anger for me is to walk away. To me, in times when I am really angry, I wouldn’t remember what is taught and apply it, so maybe strategies aren’t that useful after all in my opinion. I wouldn’t remember I have to like maybe take deep breaths or look at the bright side or something. Maybe I still don’t have that kind of self control that I should have? Therefore, normally I would just have an outburst before I decided that I am kind of overboard, before walking away. Also, the more I face with the person or thing that fuel the problem, the angrier I will get, so I will choose to withdraw.

Besides, we also learnt about time and priority management. It’s basically about how well we control our time. This I admit I am really bad at it. Since young till now, we have been told time and again how important making a time table is. Therefore, for every major exam, I would plan a time table. However, the question is: do I stick to it? Sad to say, I can’t. To me, mood is very important to me. Whether I feel like studying, whether I like this topic more or that topic more, all these matter a lot to me. Like all of us know, it is real important to get your priorities right. However, I will easily get swayed by opinions from my friends and let’s say I have something due tomorrow, and my friend beg me to do something for her, I may possibly help my friend instead of doing that thing I have to do, thus having to like stay up all night. This is not only bad for the next day’s lessons as it might cause me to end up dozing off. It is also detrimental to health. However, still, I am unable to control myself. But, after hearing the presentation from one of the groups, having them present on how successful people manage their time and all before becoming who they are now, I think I should really have a go at it and try planning a time table for the upcoming exams and sticking close to it.

Next on the list is about fear management. I always had a fear of standing in front of a crowd and presenting. I always had a fear of cockroaches. They are like super disgusting. And most importantly, I have a fear of being afraid of being despised. Since young to now, we have always been taught about meritocracy. This is especially true in Singapore. If you want to get a good job with high pay, it must be based on whether you have a university certificate. If you want to get into a university, it must be based on your results and whether you go to a junior college or a polytechnic. What’s more is people would look at you differently if you go to a college which is thought to be not as good. For example, when I told my relatives I am going to a polytechnic, they were all quite shocked. In their mind, they always think that going to a junior college is definitely much better than going to a poly. If you go to a poly, it must be that you didn’t do well.

Moreover, people always use the PSLE score to determine your future. Does results really matter that much? School principals of good schools never fail to tell their students everyday: You all are the top 15% of Singapore. You all have to get L1R5 10 and less. But, if you realize, many people who scored well in their PSLE do not score well in their O levels. Yes. You didn’t misread. It is true. It’s exactly what the society thinks that affects what the students themselves think. This in turn leads to the students who did well during PSLE to become complacent and thus, do not do as well for O levels. Seriously speaking, their thinking is very much not true, especially now, whereby so many of us chooses to go to a poly although we can go to a junior college. So, I am really glad to say now that I have managed to choose what I want and not what the society thinks we should be doing. I am not afraid of ignorant people looking down at poly students and treating junior college students better. I am really proud to say I am in Ngee Ann poly now.

This is also very much linked to the problem of self esteem and self awareness. I believe that sometimes, whatever views people have about you actually comes out of your own mind. Therefore, it is very important to feel good about yourself. I remember I used to get called names by my classmates, saying: You not very tall, not very slim, and not very smart. (haha) Actually, they really do mean it as a joke, but sometimes, I do get real upset over such stuffs. However, now that I look back, I realized those were the funny and fun times we had and yes, ironically, I am missing those names they once called me.